Edited: 1st July 2008, 1:30am
Well, it's been a few weeks since that miserable event. I'm glad that I no longer have to endure the sleepless nights and cruel thoughts that haunt and linger my mind. Nights had been very cruel to me... but I managed to push through. Since that day, I've made some progress, discovered more hidden secrets and uncovered the full truth to the story. I'm somewhat shocked... but thankfully not hurting so much. It makes perfect sense now...
I'm trying to keep a positive outlook - also thankful that there were those few who were nice enough to listen to my problems without judgment and criticisms, who offered some sound advice to keep me going through, help me feel like I'm not alone.
Just wanted to say thanks for everything guys...
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It’s almost 3am and I’m still wide awake. It’s been 3 days since I’ve had a full sleep and its taking its toll on me – I am drained: physically, emotionally, mentally drained. Writing this blog is going to possibly be one of the biggest challenges for me because there’s so much for me to say and I don’t know how to go about saying it.
Amazing how in a span of a few days so many things have happened, so many undiscovered truths revealed…and how so far I’ve been fighting with myself to stay strong…
But for how long?
I admit, there are times when I can feel myself verging over the breaking point – that’s when time stands still around me and I can hear my heart beat: I can feel it pleading deep down inside to just let my tears fall, let my heart ache and let my pain take over. The very air becomes so cold and painful for me to breathe. And the anguishing pain...
I know blogging about this to the public world is going to create some huge humiliation on my part… but right now, I don’t care…. I just need somewhere I can unload and release my pent-up gut-wrenching, heart-breaking a-million-emotions-running-through-me-at-once frustrations.
I’m fighting to stay strong and positive. I know these next few days, weeks, months may be the hardest, I’m trying to survive… and I’m trying my god-damn hardest to do it. Smiling when deep down inside you’re hurting… I’m struggling to emotionally survive and today in all honesty, I barely made it. I’ve tried to keep myself busy, surround myself with friends and family, laugh at jokes, smile back at people… anything to stop myself from thinking…dear god, this is the hardest battle I’ve ever fought with myself…
There are few things I regret, but as Mr Canon once said: “yesterday is now a part of history” – so in essence, I can’t change it. Just learn from it. This was the first time in years that I cried so hard – I suppose I just needed to let it out. Just need to let it go…
Until today I refuse to forgive him for what he has done. I really believed in him....it hurts to know what you have done....
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